You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
You Might Also Like
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?