My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it