Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
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Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
become ungovernable
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
The Joker was right
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.