I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does