I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
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All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
first you must answer his riddles
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
just having fun
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I’m too immature for adultery.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex