I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
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5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.