Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
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Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”