Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
You Might Also Like
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Yep.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
That’s easy for you to say
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.