If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
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Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I can’t wait!
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.