I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
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I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
When news reporters do sports stories
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.