Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.