[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else