15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Got him!
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.