I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
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Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Attacked by a mop.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing