This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
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My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Finally, a door that understands me
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess