A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
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Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?