“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.