Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Saturday
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.