The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.