No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
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When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.