Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.