Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?