7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
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if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.