homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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Good boy 😂😂
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
who wore it better?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.