my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting