me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
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me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
The three genders.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…