THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
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Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.