Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
#oldknees
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Holy crap this is wonderful
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”