M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
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Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Breaking news:
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.