I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Worth the read.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*