I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
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a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
But that’s none of my business
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?