Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*