me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”