DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
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I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Love is in the air fryer.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again