My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
TRAIN’S HERE
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount