I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.