When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
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I love you to the refrigerator and back
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand