You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad