gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
they split up moments later
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.