“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
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Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
crochet youtube is brutal
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
NASA has no chill
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!