“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
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I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
So that’s what we looked like?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.