Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
You Might Also Like
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Room with a view.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute