can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
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#parenting
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My current situation
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
They’re stuck in your pants?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?