I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*