MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl