My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
You Might Also Like
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.