Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
This took me a second..
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!