Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray