Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
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I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
This was a bad idea all around
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Me trying to reach for my goals
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*