I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
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waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.